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Hello Silverbullet305,
I've had all your symptoms and even in the same order (but I've had some recovery) and have dealt a lot with very intense depression in the past. I sympathize with your having to adapt your lifestyle, I too know what that's like, but I would like you to consider that life is richer than we can even imagine and it's not over for you by a long shot.
Adaptation is a long, bumpy road and our species finds it more difficult than any other on the planet - we constantly reshape our enviroment to fit us rather than fitting into the planet. Even though your symptoms are uniqe to you, your situation is not.
This is the key point: you are not alone and don't have to do anything alone. Ever.
No one will think less of you. No one will think you are weak. No one will look down on you or treat you differently because you have MS. Yet, finding the right time to tell friends and co-workers can be confusing and difficult and even a little scary. And it is totally up to you when, if ever, and whom you tell. I don't usually tell anyone myself unless it comes up (ie. in conversation or in life when I'm having issues with my symptoms.) There are situations where I find people NEED to know as it effects the work I can do with those people and times when they don't need to know a thing about it, at all, period.
I totally understand your hesitation to reach out to people. It can be a total mind press to reach out when you are used to feeling independant and have never asked for help before in this way. It took me 4 years to be able to ask for any help at all. I finally am taking advantage of all the help that is offered if you know where to look and my quality of life continues to go up and up every day even if my symptoms are getting worse and worse.
When I fall, hopefully the only thing I hurt is my pride and the only thing I bruse is my ego (my two biggest enemies in a life living with MS). Both of which needed huge adjustment after my diagnosis. As I said earlier - adaptation. That's what it's all about.
Depression creeps in when I am constantly looking at yesterday and tomorrow. For me, it's no longer about what I could do yesterday and what I can hopefully do tomorrow but WHAT I CAN DO TODAY. No more or no less. It's finding a balance for your life so you can be productive and happy/healthy - which is difficult even for people without MS.
Here's the best news ever:
YOU are the expert on YOU. And only YOU can live for right now. Only you know when you need to rest, to work, to play, to love, to chill. You might need to learn to listen to what you are not letting yourself tell yourself. Your body will give you clues as to what is possible and the potential falls on you...
...but you are not alone. We are here for you. Family is there for you. Anyone you choose to let help you is there for you. The fear of the unknown is the last refuge of our own ignorance. You might tell people you have MS and discover some amazing things about them and yourself. Maybe some of them have things they didn't tell anyone either. Maybe MS. You never know.
I wouldn't want you to do something you are not ready for. However, I would encourage you to explore but not dwell on your new life. Keep asking questions with wonder and not fear.
We all have to face it: our lives are constantly changing over time. But with us MS patients it happens a bit suddenly and seemingly all at once. Don't worry if you need to reboot your system a few times to figure this all out. MS can be quite overwhelming. You are doing a great job. You are already reaching out to people beyond your inner circle and we are responding to you. That's a big step and good on you! You might even find that wild side you think is gone is still there in many ways and things can be fun again.
As for societies, unless you are living in a big city centre you might not find many people your age there and encounter many people with advanced conditions that might not help you mentally until you are ready for it. But yes, always use your own judgment.
I'd love to chat more with you in the future if you are up to it. Feel free to e-mail me anytime and ask as many questions as you like. I hope your day has gone well and the night follows close behind. All the best,
-Doug M
astoneintime@hotmail.com
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